I’ve been wondering why I have absolutely no urge to write anymore–from something as public as a blog on the internet to my own personal ideas on scraps of paper. Perhaps it’s because I feel like I am so tedious. All I seem to write about nowadays are my “to-do” lists for self improvement. Even now, as I type this, I’m feeling an urge to note down the little tasks I should do regularly in order to make them into habits. Like moisturise my feet. Or floss. Or whatever.
I think my problem is I get caught in what ought to be, and don’t concentrate enough on the character-building aspects that are involved. I tell myself “do this every day,” but I never do, and thus get nowhere in terms of big ticket goals.
Well, some things need to be done with practice and over time, and with “force” if necessary. I purposely dug my own hole in a number of ways. At work, I’ve been invited to several different countries to speak on social media. This forces me to revive my public speaking skills and take my abilities to another level. In terms of my body, I’ve made a lot of noise about dieting (so there’s a social aspect involved) and committed to signing up for a year-long gym membership. Now money and pride is at risk. In terms of future education, I’ve again made pretentious little speeches about studying in Spain and how I’m saving up every month to get this. Again, pride.
Also, depressingly, when I think these thoughts, I feel frustrated with myself. Lighten up! I scream at myself. But that’s my problem–I am not a light-hearted person, and have probably never been. Then I go off like a typical twenty-two year old and end up on YouTube, Cracked.com or 9gag, or simply wallow in a romance novel for a few hours until I feel all silly and useless again. And then, the cycle of stressing about self-improvement continues.
Blah, let’s see how these go.